Jokes

[edwinr]

3 physicists and 3 chemists are on a train to a conference together. The chemists are suprised when the physicists only buy one ticket. "How are you going to travel," they ask. "Wait and see," comes the reply.

On the train all 3 physicists pile into a bathroom. When the conductor is checking tickets he knocks on the bathroom door and a hand shoves out the one ticket. The chemists think this is pretty clever. On the way home they buy one ticket for the 3 of them, but notice the physicists buy no ticket. "How are you going to travel," they ask. "Wait and see," comes the reply.

On the train the 3 chemists pile into a bathroom. One of the physicists walks up to the bathroom after a few minutes, knocks and says "ticket please."

 

[edwinr]

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[edwinr]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a girl who grew up in Athens. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a girl from Ohio. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Sydney. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

[edwinr]

At the Italian Catholic Church of St. Rocco in Rhode Island, one of the Priests started to run weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

 

[ktchnman]

I saw that one coming....still funny though.

 

[beek]

A guy walks into a confessional and see's porno,booze,sex toys & flips out. The priest walks in & he sez Bless me
Father for I have sinned its been awhile since I have been in a confession especially like this!!!!!!
The priest leans in and sez Assh*le your on my side!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[edwinr]

A teacher asks her class, ‘’If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'’ She calls on little Johnny.

‘’None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'’

The teacher replies, ‘’The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'’ Then Little Johnny says, ‘’I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ‘’Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'’

‘’The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.'’

 

[edwinr]

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ‘’To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'’

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ‘’Sorry, I can’t do it.'’

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ‘’Sorry, I can’t.'’ he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer yet again explains the test. The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, ‘’Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!'’

 

[edwinr]

A man and his new girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man was intoxicated with her beauty and asks "If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?" The girlfriend demurely agrees.

So the man floors the accelerator and soon after he's driving at 100 mph. His girlfriend smiles shyly, takes the seat belt off, and strips right there on the front passenger seat. When she was completely naked, she carefully plugs her seat belt back in and just sat there, quietly naked.

The man can't believe his luck. The girlfriend was absolutely beautiful and he can't take his eyes off her. The man was so busy looking at her that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend’s clothes. The girlfriend was thrown clear with one of the man's shoes.

The girlfriend gets up and picks up the shoe. As she walks towards the car, the man yells, "You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there". His girlfriend says, "Are you kidding me? I’m naked". "Well", replies the man "Take my shoe and cover yourself up. Go get help!"

So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant "You have to help me. My boyfriend’s trapped". The attendant look at the girl and the shoe, and he says, "I’m sorry ma’am, he’s too far in".

 

[edwinr]

Three dudes taking a trip in a car ..... one builds turntables for a living, the second builds amplifiers and the third digital streamers. Suddenly the car in which they are driving comes to an abrupt stop !

The turntable chap says, "i'm sure it's a cabling issue and we need a re-wire", the amplifier bloke says, "no it's definitely a internal power loss of some sort", the digital streaming bloke says, "I think we should all get out of the car and get back in again".

 

[edwinr]

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? The fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? You might bend the nail.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to set his beer.
What is the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own clarinet.
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?He's too sensitive.
Why do bands have bass players?To translate for the drummer.
What's the definition of a alto? A soprano who can read music.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music.
Why do bagpipe players walk while playing? To get away from the noise.
What is the definition of a half-step?Two oboes playing in unison.
How do you get a violinist to play tremolo? Write a whole note and mark it 'Solo.'

 

[edwinr]

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a viola into the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.

A violist was in the back seat of a small town's orchestra. One day he found a genie and was granted three wishes, the first wish was that he wanted to be 5 times better then he already was. By the next practice he was principal of the violists. After some time, he wanted to become even better. He went to the geinie and asked to be 10 times better once more. The next day he became the principal violist of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. After months he still wanted to become a musician. He asked the genie once more but to be 15 times better. The next day at practice he was back in his small town's orchestra but in the very back of the second violin section.

 

[edwinr]

A wealthy audiophile is dating three women and wants to choose who to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman $10,000 each and tells them they can spend the money however they want. He watches with interest.

The first decides to buy a present for the man. She thinks, ‘man cave’ and decides to buy him a Bose Lifestyle 535 Series ll Home Entertainment System and matching Sony 65 inch 4K Ultra HD LED LCD 3D television. The man is very impressed with the gift.

The second thought that a brand new turntable would make a perfect gift. The man had a collection of old vinyl records which he treasured, so she buys him a VPI HR-X turntable fitted with a JMW12.6 tonearm. To sweeten the gift, she also presented the man with a voucher giving him 25% discount on any cartridge of his choice. She tells him that she has done this so he can finally enjoy his record collection because she loves him so much. The man was very moved by this gift.

The third woman wanted to really impress the man, so she selected something really special - a brand new pair of Martin Logan Summit X speakers finished in natural cherry and signed by Gayle Martin Sanders. The asking price for these speakers was well in excess of the $10,000 she had been given, so she added the extra money from her own savings. As she presents her gift, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she knows how much he loves the “sound” rather than the music and she loves him with all her heart. The man is moved to tears by this gift.

The man thought long and hard about what the three women had done with their money. He cherished each gift, but he finally decided to marry the woman with the biggest ****s.

 

[edwinr]

Q. What do you call a tall bird with a short house?

A. A duck.

 

[edwinr]

An audiophile walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
“Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!” Says the audiophile.
“Oh, well there’s this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want.”
Sure enough, the audiophile goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
“You grant wishes right?”
“Yes, one per customer.” replies the genie.
“Hmm, I’d like to have the best hifi in the world.”
Then, out of nowhere, a wifi modem with a 20 foot antenna appears out of nowhere, and the disappointed audiophile goes back into the bar.
“Look, that genie gave me wifi instead of hifi!”
His friend replies,
“Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

 

[edwinr]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card.

It said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,

The florist said:

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location'."

 

[edwinr]

There once was a student named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on a previous night

 

[oscaralbro]

So a young mom is at home with her four year old son and asks mom if he could take a bath.

Mom says "you bet".

So her son is in the tub and being a good mom, she goes into the bathroom to check up on him.

When she enters, her son is in the tub holding his penus. And her son says, "Mom, can I ask you a question?"

Mom says sure.

So still holding his penus, he asks "Mom, are these my brains?

Mom hesitates for a moment and then responds;

"Not yet."

Very funny.