MiTT
Super User
ROTFLMAO!!!
Told it to my wife, silence for about 10 seconds, then she says "Oh shut up!"
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter theWB
- Start date
Help Support MartinLogan Audio Owners Forum:
ROTFLMAO!!!
Told it to my wife, silence for about 10 seconds, then she says "Oh shut up!"
Bernard
Well-known member
Why do married men die younger?
...............because they WANT to !
...............because they WANT to !
This one will make you laugh !
Mowing and beer
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my dark Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly into the eyes
of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
Mowing and beer
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my dark Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly into the eyes
of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
Kenscollick
Well-known member
Munster
Well-known member
If you've ever worked in IT you might appreciate
this more, but its still a good laugh;
http://www.break.com/index/it-guy-vs-dumb-employees.html
this more, but its still a good laugh;
http://www.break.com/index/it-guy-vs-dumb-employees.html
theWB
Well-known member
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie,and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roomates." About a week later,Stephanie came to Brian saying "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, Well I doubt it, but I'll send an e-mail to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an e-mail from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY . . . NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an e-mail from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY . . . NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!
DanielAdler
Well-known member
That made my day. Of course its only 1:40am, but still. Its been made so far.
TomDac
former MLO owner/operator
Dude.. this was frickin' HILARIOUS!! OMG, I almost peed my pants!
MiTT
Super User
Yeah, I'm not even an IT guy and I was rolling on the floor.
DanielAdler
Well-known member
I know this really good one about procrastination, but its really a long joke so I'll post it up here some other time when I'm feeling up to it.
rockeratheart
Well-known member
Couples joining a church. . .
There are three couples joining a church. The pastor meets with the three couples together and talks about what it means to be a part of his congregation. After their meeting, there is one request made of the couples by the pastor. They need to abstain from sex for one week. This will show their dedication and commitment to their decision. The pastor sets up a meeting for one week after the first. Here's what happens.
The first couple, married 14 years, are faced with the question: "Did you abstain from sex for the full week?"
The couple is much in love, but their answer is "yes."
"Welcome to our church." the pastor says.
The second couple had been married 6 years. They face the same question. They are happy and in love too, and their answer is also yes.
"Welcome to our church." is the response.
The third couple is a newlywed couple. They are also asked the same question.
The husband answers, "Well, the first day was tough. The second day was extremely tough. The third day though, my wife was wearing a mini-skirt, bent over to pick up a sack of potatoes, and I lost control and we had sex right then and there."
"I'm very sorry," the pastor says, "You're not welcome in our church."
"That's okay" says the man. "We're not welcome in the grocery store either."
There are three couples joining a church. The pastor meets with the three couples together and talks about what it means to be a part of his congregation. After their meeting, there is one request made of the couples by the pastor. They need to abstain from sex for one week. This will show their dedication and commitment to their decision. The pastor sets up a meeting for one week after the first. Here's what happens.
The first couple, married 14 years, are faced with the question: "Did you abstain from sex for the full week?"
The couple is much in love, but their answer is "yes."
"Welcome to our church." the pastor says.
The second couple had been married 6 years. They face the same question. They are happy and in love too, and their answer is also yes.
"Welcome to our church." is the response.
The third couple is a newlywed couple. They are also asked the same question.
The husband answers, "Well, the first day was tough. The second day was extremely tough. The third day though, my wife was wearing a mini-skirt, bent over to pick up a sack of potatoes, and I lost control and we had sex right then and there."
"I'm very sorry," the pastor says, "You're not welcome in our church."
"That's okay" says the man. "We're not welcome in the grocery store either."
MiTT
Super User
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously, all the way to the age of 103.
When he died, he left behind; 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be!
The grandson did this religiously, all the way to the age of 103.
When he died, he left behind; 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be!
MiTT
Super User
Dear Tech Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help!
Joe.
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help!
Joe.
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
User211
Well-known member
ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys
your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon
image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A DUTCH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
They like grass - so do you
The pink flying one's called Lotti...
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
A brown bull and a white cow
They have cappuccino coloured calves
You buy a rainbow flag
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
That makes you a trillionaire!
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
One of them dies
You write a song about the cow murdering English It rains.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys
your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon
image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A DUTCH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
They like grass - so do you
The pink flying one's called Lotti...
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
A brown bull and a white cow
They have cappuccino coloured calves
You buy a rainbow flag
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
That makes you a trillionaire!
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows
One of them dies
You write a song about the cow murdering English It rains.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
slowGEEZR
Well-known member
AN AUDIOPHILE.
You have two cows.
They're noisy, so you soundproof your listening room, but now the music is lifeless, so you remove the soundproofing and move the cows to the back 40. But, now you notice that you have a null point for low frequencies at your listening sweet spot, so you add some acoustical treatments. Ah, bliss. Oh oh, occasionally, you can still hear your cows. So, you buy some Shakti stones and glue them to your cows, hoping to tune their mooing to a more pleasing frequency, or at least reduce the irritating frequencies. You also add some absorptive material to the outside of your listening room area. Ah, bliss. Then, you notice your cows stink, but you reject the notion that odor has anything to do with the quality of your listening experience. After all, how can you do anything about it, when the odor has travelled all the way from the back 40 to your house, how can treating the last few feet of air have any affect? Then you find out you can "try before you buy" and bring in an air purifier and damn, if it doesn't work! Hey, there's something to this! Ah bliss. But, you notice a little noise coming from the purifier.....
You have two cows.
They're noisy, so you soundproof your listening room, but now the music is lifeless, so you remove the soundproofing and move the cows to the back 40. But, now you notice that you have a null point for low frequencies at your listening sweet spot, so you add some acoustical treatments. Ah, bliss. Oh oh, occasionally, you can still hear your cows. So, you buy some Shakti stones and glue them to your cows, hoping to tune their mooing to a more pleasing frequency, or at least reduce the irritating frequencies. You also add some absorptive material to the outside of your listening room area. Ah, bliss. Then, you notice your cows stink, but you reject the notion that odor has anything to do with the quality of your listening experience. After all, how can you do anything about it, when the odor has travelled all the way from the back 40 to your house, how can treating the last few feet of air have any affect? Then you find out you can "try before you buy" and bring in an air purifier and damn, if it doesn't work! Hey, there's something to this! Ah bliss. But, you notice a little noise coming from the purifier.....
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User211
Well-known member
Then they st all over your nice new CLXs...
t all over your nice new CLXs...
MiTT
Super User
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Go Hubby Go
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -Love you!!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...what happened
last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind. You broke
the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you
ran into the door.'
'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm
married!!!'.
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -Love you!!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...what happened
last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind. You broke
the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you
ran into the door.'
'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm
married!!!'.
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Munster
Well-known member
A little canadian humor for you guys....
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama
himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aide
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help. Within a minute RCMP emailed the White
House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama
himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aide
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help. Within a minute RCMP emailed the White
House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
